About grace

It’s been a year and some change since my last post. A year I’ve paid for this domain with no updates. A year of wondering if paying for it was a waste. A year I’ve contemplated writing but didn’t for this, that and another slew of reasons, excuses.

But despite the silence here, life has kept going. And it’s been a whirlwind, especially as of late.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with baby #3 and it’s taken me this long to come around to it all. The first 14 or so weeks was challenging, to say the least. Battling morning sickness, but you know the “all day kind” (why do they even call it morning sickness? What a misnomer…), while being home full-time with an active toddler was overwhelming. Wrapping my head around being pregnant this time around, when it hadn’t been in my plans, has been emotionally exhausting. But now, in week 18, I am turning a corner.

Pregnancy has always been about not only preparation to birth the new life growing in me, but also birthing a new me. A new season, a new self, a new identity. And sometimes that’s the hardest work.

Pregnancy does a weird thing. It surfaces emotions, thoughts and makes me dig deep… and sparks in me a desire to be vulnerable, to be creative, to embrace the raw beauty of life.

It’s taken me some time but here’s to being back, in this space, taking up space and being present.

Motherhood: Life with a newborn

I’ve been gone for a bit and how I’ve missed writing. But the last month has been a whirlwind. We had a baby, people! And she’s already a month old!

Some thoughts on life these days, what motherhood looks and feels like as of late.

• Some days I power through laundry, freelance work from home, read to my toddler before sending him off on the bus to daycare, vacuum, tidy up… and I feel like a rockstar! But let’s be real. MOST days, I’m lucky if I put on a fresh shirt or remember to wash my face. And this week, with J home with his daycare on break, I’ve been on survival mode learning to juggle life with two kids.

• This newborn stage is all-consuming. Breastfeeding is a full-time, around-the-clock job.

• I forgot how much newborns cry. I get it. That’s how they communicate. But my mama bear instincts kick into high gear along with my stress, adrenaline, hormones. Oh, not to mention mama’s boobs respond to baby’s cries too.

• Baby girl has recently decided she will only sleep on me. This has presented to be quite the challenge, especially with big brother at home this week. I’ve resorted to a lot of screen time for J and my arms feel like noodles most hours of the day.

• “Mommy brain” is a real thing. I have a hard time stringing together words. Recall is a thing of the past. Thanks, sleep deprivation and postnatal depletion.

• Mom guilt- I thought I knew a thing or two about it but boy has its intensity and depth hit me hard becoming a mom of two. I’m trying to balance everything, wanting to be everything for everyone and feeling like I’m constantly dropping the ball somewhere. “Mom grace” is a thing we all need to practice.

• Baby smirks are possibly one of the best things in the world. It melts away all the aches and pains and weariness. Oh, and the newborn smell! It’s intoxicating. I sniff her all day long.

Motherhood: Reflections during COVID19

We’re going on Month 3 of social distancing. J hasn’t gone to daycare since the end of February, we’ve had to cancel all overseas travel plans with no plans to travel in the foreseeable future exacerbating my wanderlust to the umpteenth level. No church, no Bible study meetings, no girl dates in the city, no Zumba classes, no workouts at the gym. With very little human contact (other than being at home all-day everyday with an energetic three-year-old in full-throttle threenager-mode) I feel tapped out, alone and exhausted.

It has been never-ending changes on top of all that is already changing in my own body signaling to a major shift in season as we become a family of four.

Thrown off my usual routine, I feel like my emotions and my thoughts too have been thrown off. I’ve been in a funk of sorts. I find it increasingly difficult to parse out whether the root of my emotional highs and lows are pregnancy hormones or repercussions of this pandemic. I’m just trying to ride out this emotional pendulum…

I often find myself wanting, wishing, willing this all to pass, for COVID19 to be a “thing of the past”… I have been wanting, wishing time to speed up, counting down the days, hours, minutes until we can return to some semblance of “normal”. 

It has become too easy for me to be acutely aware of and take note of all that I’m missing out on, grieving the pregnancy I thought I was going to have, the connection I so desperately need and want during this season.

And yet simultaneously, my heart is grieved that I have spent many a moment in this heart posture. This wasn’t how I anticipated spending this sacred, unique season with baby girl growing in my belly. I wanted to spend it ushering in this new season with joy, peace and beauty. I wanted to spend it in reflection and rest, in preparation and prayer. I wanted to spend it surrounded by friends and family, in celebration, soaking in their marvel of my growing bump. I wanted to spend it in deep conversations with other women, pondering and sharing about this journey of motherhood.

In the grand scheme of things, I feel guilty even naming what I’ve felt as of late as “grief”… but I also know that I’ve been navigating uncharted waters during unprecedented times and I’m trying to quiet the noise, declutter my heart and to admit sadness for “sadness admitted becomes sadness transformed”.

Even in the midst of this pandemic, or maybe more appropriately because of this pandemic, I have been tested, I’ve been stretched. This pandemic has made me realize

I am stronger than I thought.

I am more creative than I realized - coming up with activities to do with J at home, finding new ways of being intentional in staying connected.

I am more flexible than I knew I could be - doing the best with what we’ve got and rolling with the punches, adjusting to weeks upon months of reroutes.

It has forced me to reflect on my needs… and to show myself more grace.

It has helped me to simplify, cling to what’s important, notice “heaven in the ordinary” and hold fast to gratitude.

As the sounds of my husband playing the guitar and singing travel through the house, gently reminding me to take a moment and breathe, I want to hold onto this tender moment… right now, baby is growing and kicking in my stomach, my wild and rambunctious three-year-old is running around the house and my loving husband is worshiping and I am reminded of how much I have.

I am safe at home, a home with a backyard that has been my saving grace with “mommy daycare”. I have parents who dropped their agendas to come over for a few days to help me and keep me company. I have the technology available at my fingertips to stream into worship services, I have endless books on hand to divulge in. I have the means and access to order things online from the safety of my own home. I live in a country that is doing everything it can to fight this pandemic. I have a God who abounds in grace.

“Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He’d reveal what’s to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He’ll reveal all to come
Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He’s in the waiting
He’s in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing
He’s never failing
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget
His great faithfulness
He’ll finish all He’s begun”

— Take Courage, Kristen DiMarco

I hope J, Y and I will look back on this time, this season and share with Baby that it was a magical time - that we soaked in quality time with one another, that we put each other first, that we grew in love and grace and with expectant hearts awaited her arrival.

Pregnancy #2: 25 weeks

It’s been crazy times over here. J hasn’t gone to daycare in nearly two months, Y is now WFH and I’m very pregnant. But during my 25th week, we had a doctor’s appointment. I had my glucose test which wasn’t fun but I got to see baby girl including a 3D shot of her face!

At the appointment, I realized J is definitely going through a regression. I walked into the clinic first to register my name and get there before my appointment time. This must’ve thrown J off because he came running in crying, looking for me. As I held him to calm him down, a lady sitting next to us said, “He probably knows things are about to change with baby sibling’s arrival!” and it got me thinking. As excited as J has been, he probably senses things are going to be very different. Several mommy friends told me that in their second/third trimesters their first-borns began regressing. It was a good reminder to shower J with lots of love and attention.

At 6 months~

Baby's size: An eggplant! 13 inches in length!
Pros: Seeing a glimpse of baby’s face!
Cons: Fatigue has been hitting me hard. There are days I feel like I can sleep all day long and it’s reminiscent of first trimester… What happened to that second trimester energy? (Apparently it doesn’t exist when you have a toddler to chase after all day…) And I also can’t seem to get comfortable, no matter what.
Craving: Since last month, I’ve been enjoying a yogurt parfait (Greek yogurt topped with chopped up strawberries, ground flax seed, chia seeds, sliced almonds and honey)! It has the right amount of tart, sweet, crunchy and I’m loving it.
Outlook on the coming of baby: This week J asked me, “Where will baby come out from? Your butthole?” To say I cracked up is quite the understatement. I just find it so fascinating that it even dawned on him to be curious of such a thing! J has been asking when baby will come out and we have been explaining to him that she needs to grow more in mommy’s belly and that she’ll come out in the summer when it’s hot outside. When I see how excited J is for his sibling, it fills me with such pride and joy and makes me even more excited for her arrival!
Feelings about husband and J: Y has been working from home this week. And though it’s been an adjustment for all three of us, I’m so thankful for my husband who is always “hands on deck”, quick to play with J, cook a meal or clean up after us. J is also super sweet and helpful. I’ve been suffering from lower back pain and hip pain and he has been offering to give me massages which really just melts my heart.

Pregnancy #2: 21 weeks

This week should’ve been the start of the new school year and J’s first week at his new daycare. I had all his new school supplies ready to go. But the coronavirus situation has put a halt on all schools, daycare and many work places. So I went down to my parents’ for the week in need of the company and care. We were cooped up there, too but I was pampered with my dad’s hand drip coffee every morning and my mom’s cooking and the occasional dining out (Jeollanam-do, where my parents live, is known for their delicious food).

While down at my parents’, J stopped napping. On one hand, it’s great because he goes to bed earlier but it means having to keep him entertained all day. Daily walks with grandma and grandpa at a nearby park saved us from going stir-crazy, allowing us to get some much-needed fresh air and giving this preggo a chance to get moving.

What pregnancy currently feels/looks like:

• I have to pee ALL THE TIME

• My lower back pain/pelvic pain has been getting worse

• Feet and legs get swollen but daily foam-rolling & gua sha massages have helped tremendously

• As my body is changing and growing, I am amazed and really trying to embrace the process. But it’s also a bit terrifying. I gained a lot of weight during my first pregnancy and it took me a while to feel like myself again. It took three years to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. They were three years of experimenting to reach a diet, exercise and mental health routine that worked for me. They say it’s harder to lose the weight with subsequent pregnancies but I’m trying to focus on staying positive. Luckily my doctor told me I don’t have to worry and reassured me at my last appointment this past weekend.

• We found out exciting news at our appointment this week - the gender of the baby!

It’s a girl!