We’re going on Month 3 of social distancing. J hasn’t gone to daycare since the end of February, we’ve had to cancel all overseas travel plans with no plans to travel in the foreseeable future exacerbating my wanderlust to the umpteenth level. No church, no Bible study meetings, no girl dates in the city, no Zumba classes, no workouts at the gym. With very little human contact (other than being at home all-day everyday with an energetic three-year-old in full-throttle threenager-mode) I feel tapped out, alone and exhausted.
It has been never-ending changes on top of all that is already changing in my own body signaling to a major shift in season as we become a family of four.
Thrown off my usual routine, I feel like my emotions and my thoughts too have been thrown off. I’ve been in a funk of sorts. I find it increasingly difficult to parse out whether the root of my emotional highs and lows are pregnancy hormones or repercussions of this pandemic. I’m just trying to ride out this emotional pendulum…
I often find myself wanting, wishing, willing this all to pass, for COVID19 to be a “thing of the past”… I have been wanting, wishing time to speed up, counting down the days, hours, minutes until we can return to some semblance of “normal”.
It has become too easy for me to be acutely aware of and take note of all that I’m missing out on, grieving the pregnancy I thought I was going to have, the connection I so desperately need and want during this season.
And yet simultaneously, my heart is grieved that I have spent many a moment in this heart posture. This wasn’t how I anticipated spending this sacred, unique season with baby girl growing in my belly. I wanted to spend it ushering in this new season with joy, peace and beauty. I wanted to spend it in reflection and rest, in preparation and prayer. I wanted to spend it surrounded by friends and family, in celebration, soaking in their marvel of my growing bump. I wanted to spend it in deep conversations with other women, pondering and sharing about this journey of motherhood.
In the grand scheme of things, I feel guilty even naming what I’ve felt as of late as “grief”… but I also know that I’ve been navigating uncharted waters during unprecedented times and I’m trying to quiet the noise, declutter my heart and to admit sadness for “sadness admitted becomes sadness transformed”.
Even in the midst of this pandemic, or maybe more appropriately because of this pandemic, I have been tested, I’ve been stretched. This pandemic has made me realize
I am stronger than I thought.
I am more creative than I realized - coming up with activities to do with J at home, finding new ways of being intentional in staying connected.
I am more flexible than I knew I could be - doing the best with what we’ve got and rolling with the punches, adjusting to weeks upon months of reroutes.
It has forced me to reflect on my needs… and to show myself more grace.
It has helped me to simplify, cling to what’s important, notice “heaven in the ordinary” and hold fast to gratitude.
As the sounds of my husband playing the guitar and singing travel through the house, gently reminding me to take a moment and breathe, I want to hold onto this tender moment… right now, baby is growing and kicking in my stomach, my wild and rambunctious three-year-old is running around the house and my loving husband is worshiping and I am reminded of how much I have.
I am safe at home, a home with a backyard that has been my saving grace with “mommy daycare”. I have parents who dropped their agendas to come over for a few days to help me and keep me company. I have the technology available at my fingertips to stream into worship services, I have endless books on hand to divulge in. I have the means and access to order things online from the safety of my own home. I live in a country that is doing everything it can to fight this pandemic. I have a God who abounds in grace.
“Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He’d reveal what’s to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He’ll reveal all to come
Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He’s in the waiting
He’s in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing
He’s never failing
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget
His great faithfulness
He’ll finish all He’s begun”
I hope J, Y and I will look back on this time, this season and share with Baby that it was a magical time - that we soaked in quality time with one another, that we put each other first, that we grew in love and grace and with expectant hearts awaited her arrival.