Motherhood: Life with a newborn

I’ve been gone for a bit and how I’ve missed writing. But the last month has been a whirlwind. We had a baby, people! And she’s already a month old!

Some thoughts on life these days, what motherhood looks and feels like as of late.

• Some days I power through laundry, freelance work from home, read to my toddler before sending him off on the bus to daycare, vacuum, tidy up… and I feel like a rockstar! But let’s be real. MOST days, I’m lucky if I put on a fresh shirt or remember to wash my face. And this week, with J home with his daycare on break, I’ve been on survival mode learning to juggle life with two kids.

• This newborn stage is all-consuming. Breastfeeding is a full-time, around-the-clock job.

• I forgot how much newborns cry. I get it. That’s how they communicate. But my mama bear instincts kick into high gear along with my stress, adrenaline, hormones. Oh, not to mention mama’s boobs respond to baby’s cries too.

• Baby girl has recently decided she will only sleep on me. This has presented to be quite the challenge, especially with big brother at home this week. I’ve resorted to a lot of screen time for J and my arms feel like noodles most hours of the day.

• “Mommy brain” is a real thing. I have a hard time stringing together words. Recall is a thing of the past. Thanks, sleep deprivation and postnatal depletion.

• Mom guilt- I thought I knew a thing or two about it but boy has its intensity and depth hit me hard becoming a mom of two. I’m trying to balance everything, wanting to be everything for everyone and feeling like I’m constantly dropping the ball somewhere. “Mom grace” is a thing we all need to practice.

• Baby smirks are possibly one of the best things in the world. It melts away all the aches and pains and weariness. Oh, and the newborn smell! It’s intoxicating. I sniff her all day long.

Showered with love

How lucky can a gal be to be surprised with TWO baby showers in one week?

After months of social distancing, I felt like I started to come out of the woodwork as life began to normalize a bit with J going back to daycare and being able to dine out and run errands again. And shortly thereafter, I was invited to my women’s group leader’s home for “tea time”. Little did I know these beautiful ladies had planned a surprise baby shower for me and baby girl. I walked into an elaborate balloon set-up, homemade carrot cake (which happens to be one of my favorites) and a mound of gifts. They prayed for me and we laughed, shared and talked face-to-face for the first time in months.

Then, only a matter of two days later, I went to a doctor’s appointment to check up on baby girl. On our way to run errands afterwards, Y told me he needed to stop by home to pick something up. He needed help finding it and asked me to come into the house. I grumbled on my way in only to walk into screams of “Surprise!” Our living room had been transformed with flowers, desserts and decor and I was greeted by not only friends who had made the trip down from Seoul but our big-screen TV full of the faces of loved ones throughout the world! I immediately burst into tears.

From all the fresh flowers, the paper flower backdrop, the baby shower sign, the food, the cake (my absolute favorite in the world!), the “olive-themed” goodie bags, even a full baby shower itinerary with opening remarks, prayers, and games, every detail was so thoughtfully planned and executed. I am still overwhelmed by the flooding of love and support from all around the world.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

“It takes a village” and I am incredibly blessed with this village.

After months of deeply missing friends near and far and wishing things looked differently in this season, my heart made a complete 180 after this week. Though nothing can quite replace face-to-face quality time and doing life together in proximity, I am so thankful that not only I, but now also baby girl, have loved ones in every corner of the world.

Baby Olive,

You are already so loved, so blessed and we are excited to meet you soon.

Pregnancy #2: 30 weeks

30 weeks?! How is it that each day has felt so long and yet here we are in my last trimester and possibly only left with weeks in the single digits?

Baby is as big as a bunch of broccoli and it must be tighter quarters in there because my entire stomach shakes with her movements.

This week was jam-packed with the best kinds of things, especially in light of “Life during COVID19”. We had a few friends visit which was the exact type of refreshment I needed. Among our visitors was 3-month-old A and it was a stark contrast to our life with a 3-year-old. I got flashbacks of our first few months after J was born while getting glimpses into our near future with baby on the way as I witnessed my friends breastfeed and burp him, change his diapers and rock him to sleep. I wasn’t sure how J would react to such a itty-bitty visitor but he embraced A fully and with flying colors. My heart swelled at the hopeful prospect of watching J become “big brother” as he tried to sneak in little pats and strokes. The first thing he asked in the morning was to hold A.

In preparation for our friends’ visit, I also crossed a task off my “to-tackle” list: going through J’s baby clothes. I set aside clothes that would work for baby girl and then was able to declutter and donate the rest. I was pleasantly surprised at how many things I was able to scrounge up for baby girl (I wasn’t expecting to because J was a winter baby and baby girl will be born in the heat of summer.)

Our friends’ visit was followed by a visit from my parents - a rescue-mission of sorts to help me in my time of need. Their company was very welcomed and we indulged in deep dialogue alongside dessert. We celebrated “Parents’ Day” here in Korea with them with a large order of sushi. And then Sunday was Mother’s Day which I spent relaxing and resting. Y and J surprised me with the cutest card they wrote together and brought me breakfast.

I’ve been feeling a lot more like myself this week and daily workouts are the key reason. I’ve been aiming for at least 8,000 steps. Though that may not seem like much, being “quarantined” at home it has required much intention and effort. Not being able to go to the gym or Zumba classes, I’ve had to resort to YouTube workout videos, ranging from prenatal Pilates, modified HIIT workouts, to prenatal barre. I’ve realized that if I blast my own workout playlist to any exercise video, I feel more energized and motivated and get my steps in faster.

Pregnancy #2: 25 weeks

It’s been crazy times over here. J hasn’t gone to daycare in nearly two months, Y is now WFH and I’m very pregnant. But during my 25th week, we had a doctor’s appointment. I had my glucose test which wasn’t fun but I got to see baby girl including a 3D shot of her face!

At the appointment, I realized J is definitely going through a regression. I walked into the clinic first to register my name and get there before my appointment time. This must’ve thrown J off because he came running in crying, looking for me. As I held him to calm him down, a lady sitting next to us said, “He probably knows things are about to change with baby sibling’s arrival!” and it got me thinking. As excited as J has been, he probably senses things are going to be very different. Several mommy friends told me that in their second/third trimesters their first-borns began regressing. It was a good reminder to shower J with lots of love and attention.

At 6 months~

Baby's size: An eggplant! 13 inches in length!
Pros: Seeing a glimpse of baby’s face!
Cons: Fatigue has been hitting me hard. There are days I feel like I can sleep all day long and it’s reminiscent of first trimester… What happened to that second trimester energy? (Apparently it doesn’t exist when you have a toddler to chase after all day…) And I also can’t seem to get comfortable, no matter what.
Craving: Since last month, I’ve been enjoying a yogurt parfait (Greek yogurt topped with chopped up strawberries, ground flax seed, chia seeds, sliced almonds and honey)! It has the right amount of tart, sweet, crunchy and I’m loving it.
Outlook on the coming of baby: This week J asked me, “Where will baby come out from? Your butthole?” To say I cracked up is quite the understatement. I just find it so fascinating that it even dawned on him to be curious of such a thing! J has been asking when baby will come out and we have been explaining to him that she needs to grow more in mommy’s belly and that she’ll come out in the summer when it’s hot outside. When I see how excited J is for his sibling, it fills me with such pride and joy and makes me even more excited for her arrival!
Feelings about husband and J: Y has been working from home this week. And though it’s been an adjustment for all three of us, I’m so thankful for my husband who is always “hands on deck”, quick to play with J, cook a meal or clean up after us. J is also super sweet and helpful. I’ve been suffering from lower back pain and hip pain and he has been offering to give me massages which really just melts my heart.

Pregnancy #2: 16 weeks

I’m currently 19 weeks but let’s rewind to when I was 16 weeks because it was a good one.

I actually made it to Zumba this week - and it felt monumental after months of being bedridden with morning sickness and fatigue. I didn’t do Zumba during my first pregnancy and I was a bit worried about high-intensity workouts but my doctor reassured me - as long as I don’t overexert myself, I’m good and it’s good for baby, too!

We visited a “joriwon” (Korea has joriwons, postpartum care centers, where mamas go with their babies with 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, massages, classes, 24-hour care nursery) and I signed up for a week. With J, I went for two weeks and I was hesitating with even going at all with baby #2 (already feeling major guilt towards J) but with husband’s encouragement I decided on a week-stay. We also went to a new OBGYN clinic (turns out the hospital I had been going to doesn’t deliver…) I really like my new doctor - he was calm, collected and caring, continually checking to see if I had any questions. And we also fit in a delicious brunch in between all of these appointments.

J and I in matching shirts by Mo_Vint gifted to us by my cousin

At 4 months~

Baby's size: An avocado! Baby is weighing approximately 3 to 4 ounces and is 4 to 5 inches in length. Baby can hear my voice!
Pros: Feeling baby move!
Cons: Indigestion
Craving: Fruit and pasta
Outlook on the coming of baby: I am always both nervous and excited leading up to doctor’s appointments. And especially with morning sickness and fatigue and an anxiety that has been different from my first pregnancy, I was honestly not sure what exactly I was feeling. But after seeing baby via ultrasound and hearing baby’s heartbeat this time, I was filled with a deep excitement.
Feelings about husband and J: I’ve been especially loving watching J and husband interact these days. Husband has been holding the fort down, cheerfully doing the dishes when I’m hit with a bout of fatigue, playing with J with a child-like heart. Their latest thing is wrestling. Husband wrestled in high school so it’s fun watching him teach J some legit wrestling moves and we’re both constantly impressed by how quick J picks things up.