Dearest J,
We’re in the final countdown and I’m flooded with a flurry of emotions. I find myself soaking in and treasuring up every little moment I have with you - because I know soon, baby, everything will change.
My favorite thing to do with you lately is to nestle in together on the couch with a stack full of books of your choice. You love books and I kind of love this about you. Reading with you is a joy as you are full of questions. I’m amazed by how observant you are, how good your memory is and your ability to make connections to the text.
You were born on a Sunday morning and we named you with the hopes that you would always have “praise” on your lips. And lately, that has been so true. I sometimes catch you off on your own, playing, imagining, creating but all while quietly singing praise songs. And this may just be one of the best things ever, bringing a huge smile across my face without fail.
As I prepare for your baby sister’s arrival, I’ve been starting to have conversations with you about what’s to come. The other day, I explained to you that mommy and daddy will have to go to the hospital, how you will stay home with grandma and grandpa. Honestly, I brought this all up with some hesitation and trepidation but I was knocked off my feet when you said, “Okay, mommy. I’ll play baseball with grandpa and you and daddy can go to the hospital. I won’t cry so don’t worry.”
Little do you know though that after a short hospital stay, mommy and sister will be going to a “joriwon” for a week-long stay and I’m already ridden with guilt. I’m fighting it because it’s preemptively trying to paralyze me and rob me of the joy that is set forth before us. But I’m reminding myself of what a trooper you are. You’ve always had a knack for adjusting to new surroundings, new situations, new people and taking things in stride, of which I am so proud and so grateful. And I trust that we’ll get through this all together.
Is it even possible that you sense that I am grappling with all these changes happening around me and in me? There are endless shifts happening in my body, in the way I look and feel different every day. And sometimes my fragile heart needs reassurance that I’m still me. Is it possible you sense all that? Because you have been looking at me, stroking my big, round belly and telling me, “Mommy, you’re beautiful” and it takes everything in me not to fall on the floor in a blubbering, weepy mess because I’m both so thankful and sorry.
Whenever you hear me talking to daddy about the minor aches and pains that are inevitable with pregnancy, you do not hesitate to offer to give me a massage. You’ve also been so helpful in fetching me things from throughout the house, you pick up things from the floor (because it’s hard for mommy to reach). You come home and immediately go wash your hands, you can get undressed by yourself, you don’t complain about having to wear a mask to daycare, and you even remember to pick up things from the mart when daddy forgets.
You’ve forever changed me. Not just because you made me a mama but because of your heart - your sweet, tender heart full of love, empathy, emotion, and expression. I still stare at you, in disbelief that you came into this world as my baby. And for that, I am eternally thankful. I love you, my baby boy.