Pregnancy #2: 16 weeks

I’m currently 19 weeks but let’s rewind to when I was 16 weeks because it was a good one.

I actually made it to Zumba this week - and it felt monumental after months of being bedridden with morning sickness and fatigue. I didn’t do Zumba during my first pregnancy and I was a bit worried about high-intensity workouts but my doctor reassured me - as long as I don’t overexert myself, I’m good and it’s good for baby, too!

We visited a “joriwon” (Korea has joriwons, postpartum care centers, where mamas go with their babies with 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, massages, classes, 24-hour care nursery) and I signed up for a week. With J, I went for two weeks and I was hesitating with even going at all with baby #2 (already feeling major guilt towards J) but with husband’s encouragement I decided on a week-stay. We also went to a new OBGYN clinic (turns out the hospital I had been going to doesn’t deliver…) I really like my new doctor - he was calm, collected and caring, continually checking to see if I had any questions. And we also fit in a delicious brunch in between all of these appointments.

J and I in matching shirts by Mo_Vint gifted to us by my cousin

At 4 months~

Baby's size: An avocado! Baby is weighing approximately 3 to 4 ounces and is 4 to 5 inches in length. Baby can hear my voice!
Pros: Feeling baby move!
Cons: Indigestion
Craving: Fruit and pasta
Outlook on the coming of baby: I am always both nervous and excited leading up to doctor’s appointments. And especially with morning sickness and fatigue and an anxiety that has been different from my first pregnancy, I was honestly not sure what exactly I was feeling. But after seeing baby via ultrasound and hearing baby’s heartbeat this time, I was filled with a deep excitement.
Feelings about husband and J: I’ve been especially loving watching J and husband interact these days. Husband has been holding the fort down, cheerfully doing the dishes when I’m hit with a bout of fatigue, playing with J with a child-like heart. Their latest thing is wrestling. Husband wrestled in high school so it’s fun watching him teach J some legit wrestling moves and we’re both constantly impressed by how quick J picks things up.

Motherhood: First Trimester Woes

It was a Wednesday evening I saw that second line, ever so faint but distinctly there. I had just arrived in the US for a month-long trip. I quietly shuffled into my room, remaining oddly calm as I dialed my husband’s number to FaceTime him. He was in the middle of driving so I asked him to pull over. We prayed, cried, and celebrated in utter disbelief.

But the celebration and calm remained only for a bit. Almost like clockwork, the nausea and fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks at 6 weeks (exactly when it started with my pregnancy with J), leaving me feeling debilitated and depressed. Bedridden for weeks on end in isolation and left to my own thoughts, I often spiraled down a deep rabbit hole.

Then the guilt and shame came. The “I should be happy and feel grateful” when in actuality, I felt like crap, resentment even growing in the crevices of my heart. The moment I found out there was life growing in me, I suddenly felt the weight of responsibility and a cloud of anxiety hovered above me. I recalled how a few days before the positive pregnancy test, I had had a few glasses of wine. And then I was reminded of the stories I’ve held in my heart, stories of pregnancy loss, infertility, my own story of infertility though it felt like a distant past still coloring my experience. “Is it even okay to celebrate when so many are grieving, yearning, hoping…?”

This unexpected news honestly put a damper on my month-long trip to the US. It didn’t go as I had planned. My to-do, to-eat, to-meet, to-buy lists all were left at a standstill as I was in “survival mode” just trying to make it to the next day, no, the next moment. I stared up at the ceiling and wondered when it would all pass.

I’ve often been asked, “What does morning sickness feel like?” For me, it’s a combination of what motion sickness, indigestion, and food poisoning feel like.

We hear about “pregnancy glow” but that wasn’t my reality as my body was floundering in hormones and my skin was erupting with breakouts.

We’re told what we should (or should not) eat. But “Am I eating right? Am I consuming enough nutrients?” honestly went out the window for me as I could barely stomach the thought of eating most anything. Every smell threw me into the throes of nausea, leaving me catching my breath between heaving into the toilet bowl. And when I could stomach eating something, I’ll be the first to confess I ate a lot of “should nots”: instant ramen, sushi, deli sandwiches.

We’re told what we ought to do, what we should (or should not) eat or drink, how we should feel… In Korea, they even tell you what you should think about (good things, nice things, pretty things). And once you announce you’re expecting, everyone feels like they can give you their two cents. Hey, I’m not dismissing the importance of nurturing baby in utero and mommy’s all-encompassing influence on said baby. But we quickly lose sight of the nuances. Every woman’s experience is different, deeply personal. Pregnancy and labor and birth surely point us to “the miracle of life” but it’s not always “sunshine and rainbows”.

With some, these “woes” end with the commencement of the second trimester, but that’s not the case for everyone. I have friends who hated pregnancy, I have friends who loved it. There’s no “one” experience.

“There’s no right or wrong way to be pregnant, to become a mother, to make a family. There is only one way-your way, which will inevitably be filled with tears, mistakes, doubt, but also joy, relief, triumph, and love.”

— "Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy" by Angela Garbes

“Our stories - and the diversity of our perspectives - are invaluable.”

We’re all just doing the best we can. So let’s all show each other grace, let’s show ourselves grace, let’s listen to each other’s stories.