A letter to my firstborn

Dearest J,

We’re in the final countdown and I’m flooded with a flurry of emotions. I find myself soaking in and treasuring up every little moment I have with you - because I know soon, baby, everything will change.

My favorite thing to do with you lately is to nestle in together on the couch with a stack full of books of your choice. You love books and I kind of love this about you. Reading with you is a joy as you are full of questions. I’m amazed by how observant you are, how good your memory is and your ability to make connections to the text.

You were born on a Sunday morning and we named you with the hopes that you would always have “praise” on your lips. And lately, that has been so true. I sometimes catch you off on your own, playing, imagining, creating but all while quietly singing praise songs. And this may just be one of the best things ever, bringing a huge smile across my face without fail.

As I prepare for your baby sister’s arrival, I’ve been starting to have conversations with you about what’s to come. The other day, I explained to you that mommy and daddy will have to go to the hospital, how you will stay home with grandma and grandpa. Honestly, I brought this all up with some hesitation and trepidation but I was knocked off my feet when you said, “Okay, mommy. I’ll play baseball with grandpa and you and daddy can go to the hospital. I won’t cry so don’t worry.”

Little do you know though that after a short hospital stay, mommy and sister will be going to a “joriwon” for a week-long stay and I’m already ridden with guilt. I’m fighting it because it’s preemptively trying to paralyze me and rob me of the joy that is set forth before us. But I’m reminding myself of what a trooper you are. You’ve always had a knack for adjusting to new surroundings, new situations, new people and taking things in stride, of which I am so proud and so grateful. And I trust that we’ll get through this all together.

Is it even possible that you sense that I am grappling with all these changes happening around me and in me? There are endless shifts happening in my body, in the way I look and feel different every day. And sometimes my fragile heart needs reassurance that I’m still me. Is it possible you sense all that? Because you have been looking at me, stroking my big, round belly and telling me, “Mommy, you’re beautiful” and it takes everything in me not to fall on the floor in a blubbering, weepy mess because I’m both so thankful and sorry.

Whenever you hear me talking to daddy about the minor aches and pains that are inevitable with pregnancy, you do not hesitate to offer to give me a massage. You’ve also been so helpful in fetching me things from throughout the house, you pick up things from the floor (because it’s hard for mommy to reach). You come home and immediately go wash your hands, you can get undressed by yourself, you don’t complain about having to wear a mask to daycare, and you even remember to pick up things from the mart when daddy forgets.

You’ve forever changed me. Not just because you made me a mama but because of your heart - your sweet, tender heart full of love, empathy, emotion, and expression. I still stare at you, in disbelief that you came into this world as my baby. And for that, I am eternally thankful. I love you, my baby boy.

Pregnancy #2: 37 weeks

We’re in the final countdown!

This week has been peppered with tears, both of the happy and sad kind. I find myself equally excited as I am nervous for all that is to come. I’m at the crossroads of both an end and a beginning. I’m grieving and anticipating.

At 8 months~

Baby's size: A mini watermelon! Weighing about 7 lbs and measuring 20 inches in length!
Pros: Nesting has really kicked in. I have done many loads of laundry and have organized baby girl’s clothes and her set-up for the first few months.
Cons: Rib pain!
Craving: Watermelon
Outlook on the coming of baby: Excited and nervous!
Feelings about husband and J: They’ve both been the sweetest. I am confident hubby will be the best daddy to baby girl but I’m growing in excitement to see J as a big brother. He’s been calling her by name and now her Korean name as well. :) It melts my heart.

Showered with love

How lucky can a gal be to be surprised with TWO baby showers in one week?

After months of social distancing, I felt like I started to come out of the woodwork as life began to normalize a bit with J going back to daycare and being able to dine out and run errands again. And shortly thereafter, I was invited to my women’s group leader’s home for “tea time”. Little did I know these beautiful ladies had planned a surprise baby shower for me and baby girl. I walked into an elaborate balloon set-up, homemade carrot cake (which happens to be one of my favorites) and a mound of gifts. They prayed for me and we laughed, shared and talked face-to-face for the first time in months.

Then, only a matter of two days later, I went to a doctor’s appointment to check up on baby girl. On our way to run errands afterwards, Y told me he needed to stop by home to pick something up. He needed help finding it and asked me to come into the house. I grumbled on my way in only to walk into screams of “Surprise!” Our living room had been transformed with flowers, desserts and decor and I was greeted by not only friends who had made the trip down from Seoul but our big-screen TV full of the faces of loved ones throughout the world! I immediately burst into tears.

From all the fresh flowers, the paper flower backdrop, the baby shower sign, the food, the cake (my absolute favorite in the world!), the “olive-themed” goodie bags, even a full baby shower itinerary with opening remarks, prayers, and games, every detail was so thoughtfully planned and executed. I am still overwhelmed by the flooding of love and support from all around the world.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

“It takes a village” and I am incredibly blessed with this village.

After months of deeply missing friends near and far and wishing things looked differently in this season, my heart made a complete 180 after this week. Though nothing can quite replace face-to-face quality time and doing life together in proximity, I am so thankful that not only I, but now also baby girl, have loved ones in every corner of the world.

Baby Olive,

You are already so loved, so blessed and we are excited to meet you soon.

Pregnancy #2: 33 weeks

Let’s rewind a few weeks back to 33 weeks.

It’s a noteworthy week because I felt a shift. I had been struggling with my changing body and the weight I was rapidly gaining despite all the efforts I was putting in to exercise everyday and eat healthily (for the most part). But one evening, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and something clicked. “I’m not gaining weight for unhealthy reasons. I’m growing a life inside of me! And my body is doing what it needs to sustain this life!” And all of a sudden, in that very moment, my thicker thighs and my bigger butt began looking beautiful to me! And I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude to this body of mine.

At 8 months~

Baby's size: A butternut squash! 16 inches in length and about 4.5 pounds!
Pros: Daily workouts! I have been enjoying going on a long morning walk and it’s been wonderful!
Cons: Sleep is evading me... I’ve been waking up every two hours like clockwork to pee but it’s becoming harder to fall back asleep. But luckily, with J back in daycare, I have been able to afford the occasional nap here and there when I need it.
Craving: Fresh summer rolls!
Outlook on the coming of baby: Growing more and more excited! We had another doctor appointment and it’s always nice getting to check in with her. I’ve also been super grateful for quiet moments I can spend in reflection, prayer and rest, just me and babe.
Feelings about husband and J: This week, Y and I were able to squeeze in a day date. He had Memorial Day off and J went to daycare so we were able to run some errands, pick up some things for baby and even get brunch! I have been soaking in these moments of “freedom”. And J? I’m so proud of him. After three months of being home with me, I was worried whether J would be able to adjust to a new daycare. But he’s been a champ! He gets on the bus without crying and has been making strides at daycare even though it’s a completely new daycare, with new classmates and a new teacher.

Pregnancy #2: 30 weeks

30 weeks?! How is it that each day has felt so long and yet here we are in my last trimester and possibly only left with weeks in the single digits?

Baby is as big as a bunch of broccoli and it must be tighter quarters in there because my entire stomach shakes with her movements.

This week was jam-packed with the best kinds of things, especially in light of “Life during COVID19”. We had a few friends visit which was the exact type of refreshment I needed. Among our visitors was 3-month-old A and it was a stark contrast to our life with a 3-year-old. I got flashbacks of our first few months after J was born while getting glimpses into our near future with baby on the way as I witnessed my friends breastfeed and burp him, change his diapers and rock him to sleep. I wasn’t sure how J would react to such a itty-bitty visitor but he embraced A fully and with flying colors. My heart swelled at the hopeful prospect of watching J become “big brother” as he tried to sneak in little pats and strokes. The first thing he asked in the morning was to hold A.

In preparation for our friends’ visit, I also crossed a task off my “to-tackle” list: going through J’s baby clothes. I set aside clothes that would work for baby girl and then was able to declutter and donate the rest. I was pleasantly surprised at how many things I was able to scrounge up for baby girl (I wasn’t expecting to because J was a winter baby and baby girl will be born in the heat of summer.)

Our friends’ visit was followed by a visit from my parents - a rescue-mission of sorts to help me in my time of need. Their company was very welcomed and we indulged in deep dialogue alongside dessert. We celebrated “Parents’ Day” here in Korea with them with a large order of sushi. And then Sunday was Mother’s Day which I spent relaxing and resting. Y and J surprised me with the cutest card they wrote together and brought me breakfast.

I’ve been feeling a lot more like myself this week and daily workouts are the key reason. I’ve been aiming for at least 8,000 steps. Though that may not seem like much, being “quarantined” at home it has required much intention and effort. Not being able to go to the gym or Zumba classes, I’ve had to resort to YouTube workout videos, ranging from prenatal Pilates, modified HIIT workouts, to prenatal barre. I’ve realized that if I blast my own workout playlist to any exercise video, I feel more energized and motivated and get my steps in faster.