Recent Reads V. 4

by Grace Ko in ,


Parenting from the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell

As someone who studied and practiced counseling, I’m familiar with the concept that our pasts shape who we are. The hurts and traumas of our past can trickle into our present in subtle, covert and blatant ways. I’ve surely been experiencing this in my own journey of parenthood. Something about becoming a parent often triggers memories of one’s own childhood. In this book, the authors emphasize the importance of parents tackling and working through their traumas, past and pain in order to have a deep understanding of themselves so that they can parent with compassion and understanding. There were large portions of the book that were scientific research on neurobiology or attachment theory (which honestly I skimmed through) but the overall take-away from the book was, until I understand myself, I won’t be in the best position to fully understand and embrace my child.

I personally enjoyed Daniel Siegel’s “The Whole-Brain Child” much more and would recommend it more but this book was on a topic I feel very strongly about.

Atomic Habits, by James Clear

This was one I listened to on Audible and I loved it! It has definitely been recommended by many influencers and I can see why. James Clear talks about how what sets the “extraordinary” apart from the “ordinary” is not in goal-setting but habits, how making tiny changes can have remarkable results. He uses many famous people in sports, entertainment, arts as examples and provides practical strategies on how to form good habits. The point I found most interesting was how the author said that habits can be thought of as layers: outcome-based habits, process-based habits and identity-based habits. The deepest and most significant changes occur when we adopt identity-based habits: rather than saying, “I want to lose weight” (outcome), or “I’m going to exercise 3-4 times a week to lose weight” (process), thinking and believing “I am an athlete, the type of person who exercises every day” is so much more profound. We often are stuck because of the core beliefs we hold about ourselves.

I feel like this may be one I will revisit in the future and definitely recommend you all to read it!

The Moment of Lift, by Melinda Gates

Hands down the best book I’ve read this year thus far. And dare I say life-changing.

Koreans often tell pregnant women to think happy thoughts, to eat pretty things… With that in mind, this book would not have been considered a “good choice” but I believe I was ordained to read it. I picked it up not knowing exactly what I was getting myself into and shortly after finding out we’re expecting a baby girl. Having gone to a women’s college (Go Smith!) and having studied at various graduate universities, I’ve grown a heart for cross-cultural studies and have become passionate about gender equality issues. So I thought I knew a thing or two, but I was so humbled by this book. I had my eyes opened to so much more.

At times, I was enraged all over again by the systemic injustice against women. At times, my heart broke hearing about the lives of brave women who shared their stories with Melinda Gates. At times, I became distraught at the thought of bringing a baby girl into a world that is so unfair to girls and women. But I was also filled with an immense sense of hope when I learned about what the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation does, their urgency to help women and children all over the world, their outpouring of resources to do anything and everything they can to help worldwide.

I’m always up for book recommendations so please leave any below in a comment!


Motherhood: Reflections during COVID19

by Grace Ko in


We’re going on Month 3 of social distancing. J hasn’t gone to daycare since the end of February, we’ve had to cancel all overseas travel plans with no plans to travel in the foreseeable future exacerbating my wanderlust to the umpteenth level. No church, no Bible study meetings, no girl dates in the city, no Zumba classes, no workouts at the gym. With very little human contact (other than being at home all-day everyday with an energetic three-year-old in full-throttle threenager-mode) I feel tapped out, alone and exhausted.

It has been never-ending changes on top of all that is already changing in my own body signaling to a major shift in season as we become a family of four.

Thrown off my usual routine, I feel like my emotions and my thoughts too have been thrown off. I’ve been in a funk of sorts. I find it increasingly difficult to parse out whether the root of my emotional highs and lows are pregnancy hormones or repercussions of this pandemic. I’m just trying to ride out this emotional pendulum…

I often find myself wanting, wishing, willing this all to pass, for COVID19 to be a “thing of the past”… I have been wanting, wishing time to speed up, counting down the days, hours, minutes until we can return to some semblance of “normal”. 

It has become too easy for me to be acutely aware of and take note of all that I’m missing out on, grieving the pregnancy I thought I was going to have, the connection I so desperately need and want during this season.

And yet simultaneously, my heart is grieved that I have spent many a moment in this heart posture. This wasn’t how I anticipated spending this sacred, unique season with baby girl growing in my belly. I wanted to spend it ushering in this new season with joy, peace and beauty. I wanted to spend it in reflection and rest, in preparation and prayer. I wanted to spend it surrounded by friends and family, in celebration, soaking in their marvel of my growing bump. I wanted to spend it in deep conversations with other women, pondering and sharing about this journey of motherhood.

In the grand scheme of things, I feel guilty even naming what I’ve felt as of late as “grief”… but I also know that I’ve been navigating uncharted waters during unprecedented times and I’m trying to quiet the noise, declutter my heart and to admit sadness for “sadness admitted becomes sadness transformed”.

Even in the midst of this pandemic, or maybe more appropriately because of this pandemic, I have been tested, I’ve been stretched. This pandemic has made me realize

I am stronger than I thought.

I am more creative than I realized - coming up with activities to do with J at home, finding new ways of being intentional in staying connected.

I am more flexible than I knew I could be - doing the best with what we’ve got and rolling with the punches, adjusting to weeks upon months of reroutes.

It has forced me to reflect on my needs… and to show myself more grace.

It has helped me to simplify, cling to what’s important, notice “heaven in the ordinary” and hold fast to gratitude.

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As the sounds of my husband playing the guitar and singing travel through the house, gently reminding me to take a moment and breathe, I want to hold onto this tender moment… right now, baby is growing and kicking in my stomach, my wild and rambunctious three-year-old is running around the house and my loving husband is worshiping and I am reminded of how much I have.

I am safe at home, a home with a backyard that has been my saving grace with “mommy daycare”. I have parents who dropped their agendas to come over for a few days to help me and keep me company. I have the technology available at my fingertips to stream into worship services, I have endless books on hand to divulge in. I have the means and access to order things online from the safety of my own home. I live in a country that is doing everything it can to fight this pandemic. I have a God who abounds in grace.

Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He’d reveal what’s to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He’ll reveal all to come
Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He’s in the waiting
He’s in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing
He’s never failing
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget
His great faithfulness
He’ll finish all He’s begun
— Take Courage, Kristen DiMarco

I hope J, Y and I will look back on this time, this season and share with Baby that it was a magical time - that we soaked in quality time with one another, that we put each other first, that we grew in love and grace and with expectant hearts awaited her arrival.


Pregnancy #2: 26 weeks

by Grace Ko


Week 26 was tough. I felt physically exhausted, and emotionally strained.

  • We may have eaten McDonald’s twice this week…

  • Swollen legs are very much part of my reality now.

  • I hate sneezing. It hurts my rib cage every time.

  • Quarantine life has changed me. I’ve been baking and cooking up a storm and trying out new recipes. I now keep my pantry stocked with ingredients essential for baking: flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda. Some of my favs so far: lemon loaf cake, chocolate zucchini muffins, banana oatmeal cookies.

  • Strangely, I’ve been craving lots of veggies (but why do I continue to gain SO much weight…?)

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Pregnancy #2: 25 weeks

by Grace Ko in , ,


It’s been crazy times over here. J hasn’t gone to daycare in nearly two months, Y is now WFH and I’m very pregnant. But during my 25th week, we had a doctor’s appointment. I had my glucose test which wasn’t fun but I got to see baby girl including a 3D shot of her face!

At the appointment, I realized J is definitely going through a regression. I walked into the clinic first to register my name and get there before my appointment time. This must’ve thrown J off because he came running in crying, looking for me. As I held him to calm him down, a lady sitting next to us said, “He probably knows things are about to change with baby sibling’s arrival!” and it got me thinking. As excited as J has been, he probably senses things are going to be very different. Several mommy friends told me that in their second/third trimesters their first-borns began regressing. It was a good reminder to shower J with lots of love and attention.

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At 6 months~

Baby's size: An eggplant! 13 inches in length!
Pros: Seeing a glimpse of baby’s face!
Cons: Fatigue has been hitting me hard. There are days I feel like I can sleep all day long and it’s reminiscent of first trimester… What happened to that second trimester energy? (Apparently it doesn’t exist when you have a toddler to chase after all day…) And I also can’t seem to get comfortable, no matter what.
Craving: Since last month, I’ve been enjoying a yogurt parfait (Greek yogurt topped with chopped up strawberries, ground flax seed, chia seeds, sliced almonds and honey)! It has the right amount of tart, sweet, crunchy and I’m loving it.
Outlook on the coming of baby: This week J asked me, “Where will baby come out from? Your butthole?” To say I cracked up is quite the understatement. I just find it so fascinating that it even dawned on him to be curious of such a thing! J has been asking when baby will come out and we have been explaining to him that she needs to grow more in mommy’s belly and that she’ll come out in the summer when it’s hot outside. When I see how excited J is for his sibling, it fills me with such pride and joy and makes me even more excited for her arrival!
Feelings about husband and J: Y has been working from home this week. And though it’s been an adjustment for all three of us, I’m so thankful for my husband who is always “hands on deck”, quick to play with J, cook a meal or clean up after us. J is also super sweet and helpful. I’ve been suffering from lower back pain and hip pain and he has been offering to give me massages which really just melts my heart.


On Easter

by Grace Ko


Today is Easter Sunday.

I’d like to say it was a wonderful day, bright and cheery, full of celebration and joy from start to finish. Though it was true for the most part, I also must confess I got into an argument with Y. I’d like to blame it on being quarantined together for weeks on end, or even pregnancy hormones, but it’s really just the frailty of my heart.

It was over something really silly, as it usually is with arguments. But when I gave myself a timeout and sat in bed thinking it over, tracing back my steps and how my emotions got to such a place, I realized it came down to social media.

I know that sounds ridiculous. But let me backtrack and explain.

Earlier that day, I was scrolling through my Instagram feed per usual. But it was filled with parents prepping for Easter egg hunts for their children, elaborate egg decorating stations and beautifully filled Easter baskets. And I suddenly felt a pang of guilt. Because I didn’t do anything or have anything planned. I’d like to blame it on COVID19 and social distancing that prevented preparation. But no, I just didn’t think to do anything and honestly hadn’t thought it was that important.

But once I saw pastel-colored baskets and chocolate treats and the quintessential plastic eggs, I started questioning myself. “Should I have prepared something? Am I a bad parent because I’m not making this Easter memorable for J?”

I went over to confess this all to my husband but even before I said anything, he took the words right out of my mouth. Then he gave me a big hug and I had a good cry on his shoulder. Y reminded me that I am making memories for J everyday and that what’s most important is that he learned the meaning of Easter today (!!!)

We recently realized our church offers online worship streaming for the children’s ministry and today was week two of J tuning in. After he watched in his room (while we streamed our own service) Y read the Bible with him, the part about Christ’s death and resurrection. J then blurted out, “Jesus died and was buried but he rose!” Y and I were absolutely amazed! That he understood and retained that from his worship service! Then later, we caught him singing a song neither of us had heard before. When we asked what song he was singing, he told us it was a song he learned from the worship video. I went and watched it with him and lo and behold it was the last song from today’s worship set! The lyrics went something like this, “I love Jesus, I love him so much!”

During a Good Friday service we streamed the other day, a pastor said that this pandemic is making many of us realize what we once thought was major is actually minor, and what we believed was minor is actually major.

How quick I am to make something so minor into something major… But this makes His grace hit much deeper and taste so much sweeter. As I wind down for the day, I am thankful for so much: being safe at home with my family, technology to be able to stream worship services, baby girl moving a ton during today’s service, and our church’s “drive-thru Easter egg pick-up” today. Since we haven’t had church service in quite a while, the church leaders organized a “drive-thru/walk-thru” where we were able to see the church staff briefly and pick up Easter eggs and a bar of soap they had prepared as gifts! The whole thing only took us a matter of minutes but it filled my heart with such joy and gratitude. We came home and Y hid the eggs in our backyard for an impromptu Easter egg hunt for J and then we peeled them and ate them with our lunch.

I look at these pictures of J from today and realize he doesn’t need pomp and circumstance, glitz or glamour. He just needs connection and presence. Oh, to have a child-like heart…

Days like today are a reminder that we all sometimes need to take a step back, to reassess and recalibrate. And sometimes just have a good cry.