Recent Reads V. 3

The Read-Aloud Family, by Sarah Mackenzie

I obviously love to read. Thus the start of this series to document and share my recent reads. But I didn’t always. I wasn’t one of those kids with her nose buried in a book, secretly reading under the covers with a flashlight after lights-out. On the contrary, I actually remember hating to read. But somewhere between then and now, I grew a love of nestling myself in a blanket with a warm drink and a book in hand.

This book talks about how reading to our children brings connection, gives us points of references with one another, and even helps us through hard times. It wasn’t a new concept for me. In my childhood practicum course in grad school we talked about “bibliotherapy” - the use of books to help children through their problems.

As parents, we have dreams, hopes, visions for our children - that they will become kind, smart, well-adjusted individuals. And apparently, reading to them is the answer! This book shares the many, many benefits of reading to our children at all ages and offers practical advice and even book recommendations.

Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy, by Angela Garbes

During my first pregnancy with J, I read up a lot on natural birth and in the process, learned about the history of midwifery and how “modern medicine” changed the landscape of pregnancy, labor and delivery. This book delved into that as well as how women “weren’t just driven out of the field of health care, they were also actively excluded from accessing medical education”. The author talks about how every woman’s experience in pregnancy is unique and the importance of access to information for women to make informed decisions. It was fascinating learning about the history of the medicalization of pregnancy and birth and how that has in someway shape or form influenced us all in the way we think about it now.

In my recent post about first trimester woes I included some of my favorite quotes from this book

“There’s no right or wrong way to be pregnant, to become a mother, to make a family. There is only one way-your way, which will inevitably be filled with tears, mistakes, doubt, but also joy, relief, triumph, and love.”

The author emphasizes the need for diversity of perspective and stories when it comes to pregnancy, labor, birth and motherhood. It empowered me to keep sharing mine.

Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed, by Lori Gottlieb

I had heard about this book through the grapevine and was curious about a memoir about a therapist and her therapist. But as the waitlist for this book at my local library was so long, I decided to listen to it on audio.

I felt like she approached therapy in a relatable way - touching on psychotherapy terms and concepts but not in a textbooky way. And her portrayal of “case studies” were more vignettes, letting you into her therapy sessions, her clients’ lives and hers in such a raw, vulnerable but personable way. I especially found the parallels between the author’s clients and her own experience with her therapist very interesting. There were moments I chuckled to myself and moments when I teared up.

On grieving and remembering

It was ten years ago today that my uncle (my dad’s youngest sibling) passed. I was in graduate school in Boston at the time. I had scheduled a Skype call with my parents in Korea to interview them for a cross-cultural counseling assignment - to create a genogram of my family. When my parents called telling me my uncle was in critical condition, I urged my dad to get on a plane from Korea and met him in NY. My brother, my dad and I flew down to Atlanta and rushed over to the hospital.

Only a month prior, I had gotten engaged and my then-fiance, now-husband, spoke briefly with my uncle over the phone. I never thought that would be the last time I would get to speak to my uncle.

My uncle was smart, talented, a musician through and through, a lover of sports, a generous and sensitive soul (sometimes to a fault) and a fighter for justice who stood up for the weak, the marginalized, the poor.

Sitting in that ICU room, I cried out to God like I had never done before. It was the first time I believed with every ounce of my being that He was the maker, the creator and that if He wanted He could save and heal my uncle. Recordings of my uncle singing “예수 하나님의 공의” (This Kingdom) on the radio played in the background as I sat in a corner of the room pleading with God, “You rose Lazarus from the dead, so you surely can heal my uncle. Do it!” Doctors said if he made it five days, there would be a fighting chance… but on that fifth day, while we were out at lunch, his condition deteriorated and the medical staff declared him brain dead. Such a cruel phrase… It still hurts to write it.

Ten years prior when my grandfather passed, my dad asked me if I wanted to say any last words to him. I stood in that cold, white room and thoughts raced through my mind but I couldn’t muster up anything. I was so young then, only a freshman in high school and had never experienced the death of a loved one before.

I held my uncle’s hand, still warm. The concept of someone being “brain dead” was beyond my comprehension. I cried out to him, asking him to please get up so he could be at my wedding, so he could sing a song to congratulate us.

The next few days were a blur. My dad rushed around with funeral service preparations, I called my ten-year-old cousin’s school to inform them that his father had passed and that he wouldn’t be at school for some time and then took him to buy his first suit to wear to the funeral. I’m not sure how my aunt cared for and breastfed his little sister, who was just short of 100 days old, while grieving the loss of her husband. Now, as a wife and a mother, thinking back to those days hits me with a new rawness and pain.

Grieving… it’s not a static, one-time thing. It’s not just about missing a person, who they were. But as life goes on, it has a twisted way of showing you things about them you hadn’t known previously, and you yearn for them in new, unexpected, gut-wrenching ways. After my uncle passed, I sat around the dining table with my aunt as we sipped on tea. It was a rare quiet moment and she started to tell me a story of when I was in college visiting Korea for a summer exchange program. I had come to visit them after a recent break-up, and I told my uncle all about it. My aunt recalls how after I left, they got into an argument. She said to me, “I think your uncle was feeling extra sensitive after hearing about your heartbreak…” When she told me this, I thought to myself, “I guess my uncle and I were both pretty emotional…” I sometimes think about how he would be someone I would go to as I’ve been going through life transitions. Even if it’s to sit next to him and listen to him strum his guitar and hum, I think about how comforted I would be in his presence.

Grieving… it’s not just a longing for what was, but what could have been. How when I see my brother I’m often reminded of my uncle and wonder what it would’ve been like if he was still here with us… how they would have so much in common - their love for music and sports, their sometimes unconventional, rebellious ways. I think about how my husband never got to meet my uncle, never got to know him. I think about how my uncle would have been proud of who I married, how I’ve become a mother, how much he would have loved on J. I think about how the things that burn on my heart may have been the very things that burned on my uncle’s heart.

삼촌,

Today, I grieve, yearn for and remember you.

I miss you.

Pregnancy #2: 21 weeks

This week should’ve been the start of the new school year and J’s first week at his new daycare. I had all his new school supplies ready to go. But the coronavirus situation has put a halt on all schools, daycare and many work places. So I went down to my parents’ for the week in need of the company and care. We were cooped up there, too but I was pampered with my dad’s hand drip coffee every morning and my mom’s cooking and the occasional dining out (Jeollanam-do, where my parents live, is known for their delicious food).

While down at my parents’, J stopped napping. On one hand, it’s great because he goes to bed earlier but it means having to keep him entertained all day. Daily walks with grandma and grandpa at a nearby park saved us from going stir-crazy, allowing us to get some much-needed fresh air and giving this preggo a chance to get moving.

What pregnancy currently feels/looks like:

• I have to pee ALL THE TIME

• My lower back pain/pelvic pain has been getting worse

• Feet and legs get swollen but daily foam-rolling & gua sha massages have helped tremendously

• As my body is changing and growing, I am amazed and really trying to embrace the process. But it’s also a bit terrifying. I gained a lot of weight during my first pregnancy and it took me a while to feel like myself again. It took three years to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. They were three years of experimenting to reach a diet, exercise and mental health routine that worked for me. They say it’s harder to lose the weight with subsequent pregnancies but I’m trying to focus on staying positive. Luckily my doctor told me I don’t have to worry and reassured me at my last appointment this past weekend.

• We found out exciting news at our appointment this week - the gender of the baby!

It’s a girl!

Pregnancy #2: 19 weeks

19 weeks means I’m almost halfway there!

This week, Y and I got to enjoy a rare double-date with some of our closest friends here in Korea. In celebration of Y’s birthday, they were so generous in treating us to a literal smorgasbord: delectable meats and a luscious salad bar. We feasted and topped it of with some bingsoo but honestly, I was just over the moon we finally got to hang out (sans kids, too!)

At 5 months~

Baby's size: A mango! Six inches long!
Pros: Energy! Yesterday, in preparation for some important guests, I did a massive declutter, organization and clean. I categorized J’s toys and even made hand-drawn labels, I vacuumed and mopped the floors, I put out our new comforter and bed sheets and basically walked around the house picking up and cleaning until it sparkled.
Cons: Runny nose, post-nasal drip and congestion! I don’t know if this is a pregnancy symptom or just an indicator of Korea’s awful air quality but I am constantly sniffling and blowing my nose. Oh, and I can’t forget about the lower back pain! (Back to the chiropractor I go…)
Craving: Nothing in particular this week!
Outlook on the coming of baby: I’ve been growing in excitement and we’re anxiously awaiting our next check-up to hopefully find out the gender of the baby! Once that happens, I know I will be perusing the internet for new items to welcome baby!
Feelings about husband and J: Yesterday, baby was having a party in my tummy and hubby got to feel baby’s movements! Then Y lied in bed singing praise songs to us and I shed a few tears thinking about how there is precious life growing inside of me, how loved this baby is already and how thankful I am for this season. J has been “regressing” - acting like a baby, saying he’s a baby, coming into our room multiple times every night. I’m trying to embrace him in this all and reassuring him that he is still my baby…

Pregnancy #2: 16 weeks

I’m currently 19 weeks but let’s rewind to when I was 16 weeks because it was a good one.

I actually made it to Zumba this week - and it felt monumental after months of being bedridden with morning sickness and fatigue. I didn’t do Zumba during my first pregnancy and I was a bit worried about high-intensity workouts but my doctor reassured me - as long as I don’t overexert myself, I’m good and it’s good for baby, too!

We visited a “joriwon” (Korea has joriwons, postpartum care centers, where mamas go with their babies with 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, massages, classes, 24-hour care nursery) and I signed up for a week. With J, I went for two weeks and I was hesitating with even going at all with baby #2 (already feeling major guilt towards J) but with husband’s encouragement I decided on a week-stay. We also went to a new OBGYN clinic (turns out the hospital I had been going to doesn’t deliver…) I really like my new doctor - he was calm, collected and caring, continually checking to see if I had any questions. And we also fit in a delicious brunch in between all of these appointments.

J and I in matching shirts by Mo_Vint gifted to us by my cousin

At 4 months~

Baby's size: An avocado! Baby is weighing approximately 3 to 4 ounces and is 4 to 5 inches in length. Baby can hear my voice!
Pros: Feeling baby move!
Cons: Indigestion
Craving: Fruit and pasta
Outlook on the coming of baby: I am always both nervous and excited leading up to doctor’s appointments. And especially with morning sickness and fatigue and an anxiety that has been different from my first pregnancy, I was honestly not sure what exactly I was feeling. But after seeing baby via ultrasound and hearing baby’s heartbeat this time, I was filled with a deep excitement.
Feelings about husband and J: I’ve been especially loving watching J and husband interact these days. Husband has been holding the fort down, cheerfully doing the dishes when I’m hit with a bout of fatigue, playing with J with a child-like heart. Their latest thing is wrestling. Husband wrestled in high school so it’s fun watching him teach J some legit wrestling moves and we’re both constantly impressed by how quick J picks things up.